Good day ladies and germs. Now that the NBA season is nearing the midway point- and my life schedule is defined by that of the NBA- I figure it time to write some thoughts from the past several months. Because of the wide ground to cover, I’ll keep this discussion to only the most vital life topics. Also, due to general apathy and malaise, I'm not adding any hyperlinks or pictures. If you need those to read further, I suggest you sniff my feet:

Bottom 5 and Top 5 Movies I Saw This Year

The Worst

5) Bridge to Tarabithia – WTF!? Seriously, WTF!? They make you think there’s going to be all this cool fantasy shit everywhere and awesome special effects and what not but all it is is two little kids running around in the woods playing make believe. NO real fantasy actually happens, just imaginary shit without any special effects or anything- until one of the little rascals dies. I mean for real, WTF!!!

4) Atonement – Artsy over the top I’m going to make them depressed and win an oscar for being a fru fru tool! Movie goes like this: Upstanding farmboy and bratty rich kid’s older sister are in love, jealous bratty rich kid wrongly accuses upstanding farmboy of child rape, upstanding farmboy goes to jail, “four years later,” upstanding farmboy now in the army dies on way home to spend life with bratty rich kid's older sister whohe loves, bratty rich kid's older sister who loves upstanding farmboy dies in bombing, fast forward to bratty rich kid as old lady on talk show talking about the book she wrote about all this crap. Fast forward to the theater yesterday, where movie declared horseshit by me.

3) Into the Wild – If ever I wanted to murder somebody, it would be this idiot who leaves his family with no word or anything to galavant around the country and preach his bullshit to any hippie who will listen. Ultimately the jackass hikes into the middle of nowhere, lives in school bus, eats some poison berries and dies. That was the best part of this pretentious Sean Penn/EddieVedder tuned schlep. Really makes you feel disdain for liberals.

2,1) Knocked Up/Juno – At first glance, these were cute little comedies. At second glance, they were man hating ra ra vagina juice harangues. Yeah! Make him leave his fun life behind so he can work a ho hum job, live in a ho hum house to make his ho hum girfriend who has kankles and ho hum kid happy! Yeah! 16 year old pregnancy! Get rid of that bad man who doesn’t want to ‘grow up’ and have some whiny kid with his bitchy wife who also has kankles! Yeah, awkward sexual tension between the 16 year old and bad man that seems to get glossed over in an otherwise light hearted comedy about the hilarious foibles of teen pregnancy! Men are evil! Yeah! If I see another pregnancy movie I’m going to slice my dick off and hang myself with it. Because it's long. Yeah!

The Best

5,4) American Gangster/No Country for Old Men- I saw these movies back to back and both had the same theme- that women always bring a man down. In American Gangster, if Denzel doesn’t wear that stupid fur nonsense his woman insisted he wear, po po never would’ve notice him nor would he be on the receiving end of rival gangsters' envy. In No Country, if he doesn’t stop to drink with the drunk girl, he keeps on living. He made so many badass manuevers to survive, yet gets done so easily by some dirty no good poon. If these movies tell you anything, gentlemen, is you never ever ever trust a woman.

3) Superbad – Hehe. He draws dicks! McLovin! Nerd! Booze! Hot chicks! Sex! Awesome!

2) Transformers – I hate Michael Bay, so I was pleasantly surprised with the action packed adventure. Bay took the time to use pyrotechnics, an art that has been lost to CGI, hence the powerful and realistic explosions. I also want to make that Shia my LeBoyfriend. Nice ass on that one.

1) Rambo – They don’t make movies like this anymore, but they should. Standing ovation at the showing. Anybody with two wrinkly flab bags hanging between their legs will enjoy this movie, at least if they enjoy vagina. Yeah, liking vagina is so masculine!


FOOTBALL

While whatever demon possessed me to stand up and cheer for the NY Giants has since finished devouring my soul, there is some semblance of sanity deep in whatever he pood out that is sending me clear rational thoughts. Also please note from here on out this post will be little on attempted humor and big on common sense.

On Eli

Eli Manning is the luckiest human being alive. Not only did he throw the game into Asante Samuel’s hands on the final drive, he threw a wobbly duck into quadruple coverage only to be caught by a guy who definitely will be driving a van full of weed for a living by the end of this decade. From choke to hero in a matter of inches. Thus is the NFL my friends.

On Brady

Eli reminds me of another lucky QB by the name of Tom Brady. While not many would dare question Mr. Brady’s fortitude, I firmly believe he is equally as gutless and lucky as the Manning brother(s). Let's review his long history of uninspiring performances and outright chokes:

Let’s go back to the 2002 divisional playoff against Oakland. I was in a Columbus pub- in the midst of a thick white snowfall contrasting the dark as black Columbus sky- when I look up from my $100ers worth of sweet Ohio spirits, the world around me a blur of bleach blonde tattooed, um, morality- yet crystal clear in the corner picture box I see a strapping young quarterback- himself caught in a snow storm- clear as the day is night- fumble the football. While I will never understand how this was not ruled a fumble, and why the NFL took it upon itself to make a new rule calling all Tom Brady fumbles incomplete passes, watching Adam Vinieteri’s kick sail through the uprights was the real genius in this game and aptly illuminated the true hero of the Patriots.

Brady followed this good fortune with a 115 yd 0 td performance against Pittsburgh and a 145 yd 1 td Superbowl performance against St. Louis when, once again I saw behind J25 throwing a filthy ping pong ball into my cup, Vinieteri kicking the Pats into the lead as Warner practiced beer pong on the stairs of our milk box. I puked that evening an ever so fine blend of Big Bear bought Busch Lite, Natural Ice and grime from our floor carried through the air attached to a white as the Virgin Mary ping pong ball.

Fast forward to the ’04 divisional round against Tennessee. Brady amassed 201 yds on 21-41 passing, leaving Vinieteri to win yet another vital game. After spending the morning eating $100 Orca platters at that fancy restaurant who’s name escapes me with Sir Francis Xavier, Ron, his date we called Urlacher who was big and hairy, Acehole and my former roommate he had just banged the night before (who was a girl), then off to Penisville, drugs and beer, it was apparently Vinny once again against Philly in ’05. Thankfully so because I won $50 on a Patriots cover and the under teaser and then didn’t go to work for the next three days. After all, I am rich bitch.

An ‘06 divisional round 2 interception drubbing at the hands of Jake Plummer and the Broncos, then a 3 interception gem in ’07 against San Diego that was a fumbled Marlon McCree (pretty sure, way too lazy to look up) interception away from sure Padregs victory. At least Brady lucked by Schottenheimer so he could famously lose to another reknown Manning choke artist in the conference championship. Might I also mention that Vienetieri got his sweet revenge after the Pats retardedly didn’t resign him, the single most important player on their three Superbowl teams.

Of course this season, if those 3 picks (you know you want me to say “pickles” but homie don't play that) against Norv Turner and the Padregs weren’t enough (losing to two Mannings is pretty bad, but if you lose to Marty or Norv Turner you might as well start fucking men and pretending like you can live a normal life), Tom Brady’s uninspiring Superbowl performance confirmed my belief that he's not so great. Sure the playcalling sucked, but it's not like Brady did anything about it.

The Pats also could have used Adam Vinieteri, who they cheaply let go, on that 4th down in the first half that would have been a 49 yd attempt. Gostkowski is such a bum they just had Brady throw the ball out of bounds. Again, Tom Brady’s superbowl performance only confirmed my belief that Brady shouldn’t be mentioned in the same sentence as greats like Joe Theisman, Doug Williams and Mark Rypien. He lost to both Mannings in the Superbowl for chrissake. He’s really not that great friends. The proof is in that non-sensical pudding above.


On Dan Snyder

Does a pro team play for its fans or are fans manipulated into lining an owner’s pockets? Is Dan Snyder really trying to put together a winning team or making it look like he is so we keep buying tickets? Where is the line that separates a team being the owner’s team and a team being a city’s team?

Take the publicly owned Green Bay Packers, the only community owned, non-profit team in the league. Citizen-fans own shares and a CEO is appointed by them. This precludes some egomaniacal imbecile from corrupting the team and taking advantage of the public only to bolster his bottom line. All the Packers are trying to do is win, not profit.

Dan Snyder, on the other hand, has taken advantage of this town’s love of the Redskins by jacking up ticket prices, cramming as many teeny tiny seats as possible in the stadium and gauging fans for parking. At one point he tried to ban walking to the stadium. Needless to say, Redskins tickets are the most expensive in the game because their owner is first and foremost concerned with the bottom line. Winning, of course, helps generate revenue, but make no mistake, winning for the fan’s sake is not why Snyder is here.

Not that I’m some sort of for the greater good commie, but when a team belongs to one man, its existence only to turn him a profit via giving fans the illusion he is trying his best to win, why should we feel compelled to expend time, emotion and money on his team? Just remember, rooting for the Redskins is rooting for Dan Snyder’s wallet.

Of course if we all say fuck him and an owner starts losing money, he’ll simply pack up and move to Indianapolis, Baltimore or some other desperate second-rate town.

On a side note, and apologies in advance to those of you of the hook nose persuasion, but five of the seven most expensive teams to watch are Jewish owned (1st, 2nd,4th,5th,7th), and there are only seven Jewish owners in the league. And Jews wonder why they’re persecuted. It’s only a matter of time before a team changes its name to the Shylocks.


BASKETBALL

On The Wizards

I know I’m a little late on this given their soon to be nine game losing streak, but anybody who has talked basketball with me from day one knows I’ve maintained the Wizards are total BULLSHIT without Gilbert Arenas. How quickly idiots like Bill Simmons forget that the Wizards had the BEST RECORD IN THE EAST at the all star break last year. That’s right, Eddie Jordan was well on his way to a coach of the year trophy until Jamison got hurt, then Caron, then Gilbert. Really the primary reason they’ve been respectable up until now is because Etanya Thomas hasn’t been around to preach his prissy bullshit and get into cat fights with Brenda. I was so happy when his heart exploded and I’m crushed that he’ll play basketball again the filthy liberal.

On Recent Trades

This is pretty much an email I sent a couple days ago so if you already read this go get some ointment and stick it up my itchy burning asshole for me. See, I'm pissed off about the Suns trading away their best player for 300 lbs of useless. Not that I care about the Suns, who happen to have the best record in the West, but are you kidding? Did they forget that they were a Tim Doneghy called game and unnecessary suspensions away from beating an aging Spurs team last year? That Robert Horry (37), Bruce Bowen (36), Tim Duncan (one leg, 33 in April, 10 full years + playoffs of mileage), Michael Finley (35 in March) and Brent Barry (36) all play significant minutes? What, are they afraid that big bad Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol and the pointguard-less Lakers will steal their thunder? That Laker team will unravel faster than you can say "big whiney Euros who can't play D (see Dirk Nowitsky) and teams without point guards don't win championships unless they have MJ and Pippen [post BJ Armstrong era]."

Even if the Lakers take off, do the Suns think Shaq is a better defender than Marion?? The guy averages 10 boards, 2 steals and 1.5 blocks/game to Shaq wearing a superman emblemed suit sitting on the bench because he's injured, useless and is due $40 million over the next two years from a team that regularly gives away first rounders so they don't have to pay young talent guaranteed money.

Back to the Lakers, how retarded are the Grizzlies? They trade Gasol for an expiring Kwameeri to clear $10 mil in cap space so they can offer the max to this summer's superstar free agent crop featuring the likes of, um, Luol Deng and Andre Iguodala! Of course assuming the Wizards- whose name REALLY pisses me off because it is so STUPID and Reid's pee penmanship is better than the logo art- offer Gilbert a max deal and the quirky fucker accepts.

Anyway, the Grizzlies traded a bitchy low post scorer whose national team won the Olympics after he injured his ankle so he's pretty much useless anyway for the chance to sign some swingmen who probably won't be available when their respective teams make better offers. So their team next year will be shelling out $30 million to Mike Miller, Brian Cardinal, Jason Collins and Darko Milicic (any of whom could have an expiring deal, but this mac I'm using is too slow to look it up) with Gay, Conley and Lowry running the show. Enjoy those 19 wins next year and the knowledge that you just gave the Lakers a decent chance fuck you and the rest of the league in the collective unlubed asshole.


Et Cetera

Stay tuned for some thoughts on politics and religion. Maybe they'll be tomorrow, maybe they'll be next year. All I know is I've been taking waaay to much zince and niacin- been popping boners like I'm 15 watch MTV Spring Break.

2007-08 NBA Preview

Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the second bi-annual NBA preview. I’d link to the one from two years ago, but I’m going through an emotional crisis and can’t muster the will. Today we will look at the Eastern Conference, and let me tell you, there’s not much cool about the Eastern Conference. I know this because I live there. We’ve got wintry mix, an abundance of housing, boring live theatre that people pretend to enjoy so they appear to be cultured (which makes no sense to me- why spurn the modern technological advances of stadium seated digitally mastered movies for a singing, prancing, four hours surrounded by sycophants with no special effects and no cups big enough to pee in?), we have unctuous go-getters who make far less money than they appear to (ie. anybody in politics and real estate), blond haired frumpy chicks who would still be plain even if they lost those 30 lbs, really dumb people who dress well and a ton of lawyers. Oh yeah, and where there’s a Metro, there’s the homeless- scary, smelly and annoying at the same time! Isn’t there someplace we can put these people? Like a homeless village at the zoo, and a couple times a day pump in air raid alarms and the sounds of munitions exploding all around? All for the viewing pleasure of the people with homes? Now that’s entertainment. Speaking of air raids and explosions, I am now pooping.

Anyway, here are my rankings for the season:


15) Indiana Pacers
The Pacers, a non-descript team from a non-descript place- an enigma if you will (kind of like Purdue University and Tuesdays)- are not really a team anybody cares about. Their logo is lame, their city is lame and their population is lame. To be honest, I’ve never even met anybody from Indiana, and the only time I went there my car lost a wheel on the interstate and I was stuck in the middle of the highway for twelve hours until a cop picked me, Pontificating Penis Erectai and our 1/2lb bag a weed up and drove us to a rest stop a couple miles down the road where, after failed attempts at hitchhiking, we were pointed to a Greyhound station 4 miles away in Elkhart, Indiana, home of the shitburger. So we walked along the side of the highway and let me tell you, the sides of highways are NOT meant for walking- they’re meant for dropping off used contraceptives, syringes and dead bodies. We eventually got on the greyhound, stopping in beautiful Gary, where this movie takes place- probably the only cool thing to come out of the state beside Big Dog Robinson and a good Bobby Knight racially charged tirade. Needless to say, I will never step foot in the state of Indiana again. And whoever thought trading two black guys for two white guys (see Harrington & Jackson for Dunleavy and Murphy) was a good idea should be forced to live in the homeless village at the zoo, because they have no right to have a job... or home… and they undoubtedly are from Indiana.


14) Milwaukee Bucks
I blacked out and got beat up by an overzealous black man at a work function in Milwaukee, then the cops were very mean to me and put me in a squad car. Much to my dismay, there were no handles on the inside! What if there was a fire?! Also, drafting an overrated Chinaman who is a tad more athletic and Chinese than Jared Jeffries, and who doesn’t want to play for your crappy town with its overweight, mustached, somewhat friendly people is NOT the way to the promised land. Neither is having three former Bullets on your roster (Simmons, Storey, Ruffin), unless, of course, you’re the Pistons.


13) New York Knicks
We’ve all hopefully been keeping tabs on Isaiah’s sexual harassment and Stephon Marbury’s insanity, which I am too busy- did I say busy? I mean lazy- to look up but trust me, it’s all on Youtube and the comedy speaks for itself, but a team with a starting five of pure scorers who can’t pass, defend or say nice things to people (Marbury, Crawford, Richardson, Randolph, Curry) will probably get high on drugs and bang interns in their car, all the while commenting on how women are bitches and that journalist has nice shoes. Speaking of famous Isaiah’s, I saw Isaiah Washington of "No, I did not call T.R. Knight a faggot" fame at Café Deluxe the other day. He certainly is dreamy. Oh yeah, and Tiki Barber is totally lame.


12) Charlotte Bobcats
I wonder how many times MJ has made Adam Morrison cry just by shouting out KWAMEERI!!!!!!!!! Last time I went to North Carolina I black out drove my car over the median blasting Southern Cross with my friend, who really has a PhD, puking out the back window. Somehow I managed to get home with cigarettes and Gatorade. I also sent several people in the vicinity of my girlfriend’s name on my cell topless pictures of myself. Woops.


11) Atlanta Hawks
Probably the most talented team in the East, but can you really see them going to the playoffs with Acie Law IV, Tyronn Pue and Stinky Stankston distributing the rock? How angry would you be if you were a Hawks fan and you didn’t have Chris Paul on your roster? Has anybody ever even met a Hawks fan? And speaking of the ATL, when is Outkast coming out with a new album? How is traffic in Atlanta possibly near as bad as traffic in DC? Why are nice houses there so cheap? Why does everybody care so much about some damn dogs Michael Vick raped and hung? They’re animals for Chrissake- we eat animals everyday of our lives. Cow, pig, chicken, Chinese food- they’re all delicious! You know why people are pissed? Because of the liberals.


10) Philadelphia 76ers
Chances are you’ve realized by now that people from Philly are losers- not just in the sports world, but in all walks of life. Seriously, it’s a miserable, bitter, someone chased me down the street with a baseball bat just because I peed on his car type of place. They also have Shavlik Randolph on their basketball team… and a guy who grabs balls.


9) Miami Heat
Where grandparents and washed up ballers go to die, drug dealers go to pick up our cocaine and our housekeepers drift ashore.



8) Orlando Magic
I don’t have much to say about Orlando, but I will say that it’s about the OIL people, so quit whining about being “mislead” with WMD’s and freedom and what not. Anybody with half a brain knows that every calorie we eat requires an assload of oil, and if we don’t control the oil, we’re looking at this. It’s a global struggle for resources people. You won’t have those trees to hug or prissy politicians to vote for or soy without the oil, so shut up and kiss my pragmatic ass. Speaking of pragmatic, $110 million+ for Rashard Lewis and 7 years of salary cap purgatory? How do NBA owners ever become billionaires with this kind of sense? Must be new money.


7) Washington Bullets
Don’t get me wrong, I love Big Ern and I am all about building a statue of him, Eddie Jordan and Gilbert on the White House lawn, but while it appears that Ernie can build a perennial playoff contender, hope for a lucky playoff run and maintain the status quo (see NY, Milwaukee), he might not have what it takes to build a champion. Adding a rookie Euro stiff who can’t play defense, a rookie shooting guard who can’t play defense, overrating your second round pick, your best player is coming off knee surgery, and bringing back the worst center duo in the league (one of whom- the big gay uncoordinated pussy “poet”- now has a heart condition and the other- an oafish, uncoordinated weak soft selfish uppity pussy bum)- all the why reminding us of our great record last December- is supposed to make the team better? Are we supposed to believe a pussy team with scrawny pussy players who get pushed around and don’t play defense is supposed to be improved with the addition of a couple rookies? I’m going to go out on a limb and say the team finishes exactly the same as last year’s- Gay.. and John Hollinger is definitely still a virgin.


6) Cleveland Cavaliers
There are times in life when you can say I told you so, and there are times in life when you can say I told you so. Friends, I most certainly told you so. Laaaaaarry! Laaaaaaarry! See, you Cavs irritate me- you’re just painful to watch. It really comes down to a lack of fluidity- you have a sluggish center who regularly gets D’d up by Brenda, a shooting guard who has still managed to take up about a quarter of your salary cap even though I told you two years ago- and he's since proven- he’ll be injured every year, he can’t play D and will be completely ineffective in anything other than a run and gun. Still, despite my sage forewarning, you celebrated his signing on the front page of the Plain Dealer on signing day. I know this because I was there, having just soaked Marcello’s guestroom bed in my own pee. I just hope you're ashamed and you recognize. Anyway, you also have a big haired Brazilian- make that a disgruntled big haired Brazilian- who took THIS shot and now wants more money. You also have Drew Gooden, who has no soul and a dingleberry on the back of his head. Donyell Marshall is a reincarnate of Sam Perkins- I mean, every team should have an overgrown, stoned one dimensional 3-pt shooter they pay $5.6 million per. Fucking brilliant. Let’s see, $3.9 for Damon Jones- apparently because he wears nice sunglasses and once played for Miami, $3.1 million for some guy named Ira who somehow isn’t a Jew- or is he?- and Jews stink at sports. Throw in a disgruntled Sasha- which reminds me of the girl in elementary school names Sasha who bullied me and made me feel bad for having pointy teeth, throw in another $6 million for a limited, ineffectual role playing point guard who will be 35 by the end of the season, a couple young players named Boobie and Shannon and the biggest offseason moves were trading for Cedric Simmons and singing Devin Brown. Wow. To recap, that’s $48,258,626.00 for Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes, Zydrunas Illgauskas, Damon Jones, Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall and Eric Snow and a GM who would have been out of a job long ago if not for the NBA lottery. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Cleveland Caveliers!


5) Chicago Bulls
The level of incompetence of NBA management never ceases to amaze me. Trade a 20-10 guy (Elton Brand) for the draft rights to an eventual 10-12 guy (Tyson Chandler), only to get rid of him for a 6 and 10 guy ten years older and twice as expensive (Ben Wallace). Strokes of brilliance my friends, strokes of brilliance. Want to hear another stoke of brilliance? How about when Michael Jordan demanded Jerry Krause include Jamal Crawford with Elton Brand for the number one pick (aka Kwameeri)? Yup, Jamal Freak’n Crawford or no Brand. Yup, Krause didn’t pull the trigger because adding Crawford was TOO MUCH to give up. Yup, stupidity is a two way street my friends. Yup indeed.


4) Boston Celtics
Most of us probably read Bill Simmons, so we’ve had our fill of the Celtics. I’ll just say they have no point guard, no depth, Ray Allen will get hurt, they’ll run the other two old farts into the ground, and Doc Rivers is their coach. They’ll probably start off fast, go on a cold spell, then disappoint in the playoffs where point guard play is vital and they’re relying on a second year guy who shot 18 for 66 on 3’s and 57% from the free throw line in college, at least according to Wikipedia. Ouch. Rajon Rondo: Athletic as hell? Yes Good at basketball? No.


3) New Jersey Nets
All I can say is, while you probably think Jersey is a dump, Princeton NJ is a pretty nice place. There’s this great sub shop that disrespected my black friend. It was awkward, but delicious.


2) Toronto Raptors
I never thought I would say this about the Raptors, especially after the Rob Babcock reign of blunder (see VC for Eric Williams, Zo, Aaron Williams and a couple late first rounders, picking Rafael Arujo #8 overall, etc. etc. etc.), but this is an example of competent management. For a total team salary of $39,161,774.00, NBA executive of the year Bryan Colangelo and I expect Toronto to improve on last season’s 47 wins. I’m too lazy to recap all of his moves (here they are), but in one year he improved Toronto by 20 wins. His plan is pretty simple- find players who can complement Chris Bosh, play team oriented Euro ball through strong point guard play, high percentage outside shooting and trade away selfish bums like Charlie Villanueva for team player/distributors like TJ Ford. How Villanueva ever dropped 48 in a game is beyond me, but he’s a heartless bum and Colangelo took full advantage of the only time his stock will ever be high. Keep in mind that Maceo Basten will win the NBA most improved player award as well. Also, while I don’t like Euros and their team oriented fast flowing full of effort fun to watch style of play, I’d have sex with Bryan Colangelo if he managed the Bullets.


1) Detroit Pistons
Pretty much the same team as last year, except Jason Maxiell will average 15-9 and Rodney Stuckey will give them a young, energetic, consistent scorer off the bench. I still find it odd that, after all of the great moves Joe Dumars has made, he dropped the ball so badly on Darko. So when we think Darko we think unfulfilled potential- BFD. I haven’t been fulfilling potential since 1979 and look how I’ve turned out- laying awake at night regretting not making the 6th grader stack the table for picking Phil Simms in the lunch waiter game, then copping out a going with Doug Williams, and the 5th grader telling me that’s the only quarterback I knew, smugly picked Jack Trudeau (yeah, I had Tecmo Bowl too asshole), like I was just another ignoramus 4th grader. Yes, these are the things that torment me, but why not just keep Darko around? So what if he was a cry baby when he was 19 and not getting any run, he’s since become an effective defender and rebounder, is athletic, has size and might develop into a pretty solid all round player. No matter what happens, he’ll be better than Nazr Mohammed or Cheik Samb. Dumars must really hate pussies, even though he works in a league full of them.


So there you have it. If I knew anybody west of Michigan I’d write a Western Conference preview, though even if I did, they’re probably too busy not smoking, recycling, generally being fit and attractive and stamping their one way tickets to Hell.

TOP 10 EXAMPLES OF MEN BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY WOMEN IN HISTORY

Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen,

It has been a while since we last spoke, and a lot has happened since then. I have a job, have gained about 10 lbs of fat, lost a girlfriend, it's cold now (was warm then), got on happy pills, got off happy pills, got back on happy pills, drank a bunch, didn't clean my room for 2 months, cleaned my room, emptied 250 lbs of trash out of my car, got a treo that I've never used, been to 6 Wizards games, learned some things about the future, smoked about 500 cigarettes and got glasses.

Anyway, since breaking up I now realize how much being in a relationship brought me down. Now I can lay on the couch whenever I want, watch whatever I want on TV whenever I want, stay up past 10pm and pretty much never do anything I don't want to do. Given how wonderful my single life is, I thought it only appropriate to point out 10 men who have been brought down by women:

10) Adam

We all know that woman+food= bad. Unfortunately, Adam didn’t. Would you trade a rib for a woman? What if they were Chili’s babyback ribs? Paradise for an apple? Of course not! Well, Adam traded his rib in for Eve, who subsequently tempted him to eat the apple. Yes friends, a woman was the cause of all sin, and- just like when she complains about your drinking while she's drunk and bitches about how you don’t want to do anything she wants to do on the plane flight home from visiting her parents- women remind you of your sins everyday, all the while deviously plotting their next lie.

This article lends support.

9) Rae Carruth

Carruth was a 1997 1st round draft pick of the Carolina Panthers. He caught 44 passes for 545 yards and 4 TDs his rookie year, landing him a spot on the all-rookie 1st team. Rae, on the cusp of NFL stardom, was brought down in ’99 when Cherica Adams, his baby mama, was shot four times in a drive by. The baby was saved via C-section (surprise! it’s a retard!), but Cherica died a month later.

Cherica managed to spit out to authorities that Rae had stopped his car in front of hers while gunmen in another car shot her, then Rae simply drove away.

Rae was eventually found hiding in the trunk of a car outside a motel with $3,900, candy bars and bottles of urine. He is now serving at least 19 years in jail.

What a bummer for Rae, from NFL future star to living in a trunk thanks to a woman and her big mouth.

8) Mankind


I would do anything humanly possible to touch this Jessica Alba’s buns. Seriously. Just closing my eyes and thinking about them makes me want to go on an internet pornquest all night long- you know, where you keep opening each new box until you literally have 500 boxes minimized and you can’t get nubile nymphos off your screen. Single life is good.


7) Jason Street

Lyla Garrity is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Can we really blame her for cheating on her crippled boyfriend with his best friend, then going back to the cripple and incessantly teasing him with her perfect naked body even though he’s paralyzed and can’t get it up? Goddess. I love you Lyla.

6) Me

I would be President of the United States and not on Wellbutrin if it wasn’t for a myriad of women wanting a piece of me. Which reminds me of a thought I’d like to share: When I’m hanging out with a female dog, a “bitch,” does it want to hook up? Typically their pussy is sewn shut, but is it licking me in hopes of more intimate petting?

Speaking of stymied genitalia, my balls aren’t chopped off like my dog's, although I’m seriously thinking about a vasectomy. If I don’t get the vasectomy, I really want to have something like a dozen illegitimate children. Kids. What a nightmare.

5) Superman

If Superman wasn’t spending so much time running around saving Louis Lane’s not-so-attractive nude all over google images chain smoking ass (pre gay director) or Louis Lane’s poor acting, cheating with Scott Summers, terrible decision-making not nude all over good images but much hotter with blond hair below ass (post gay director), he’d probably be able to focus on the real issues like trouble in the Sudan, global warming, Iraq, health care and poor people.


4) Harry Potter

Man, Hermione really messed this kid up.

3) Hitler

This (mostly) googled story starts off promising: Eva Braun was condemned to a life of secrecy. At the age of 19, she became Hitler's mistress, received a house, expensive clothes, fast cars and French perfume - but no wedding ring (!). Officially, she went under the name of private secretary and drew a salary from party funds. He called her Tschapperl, she had to call him mein Fuhrer. When state visitors came to Hitler's chalet Berghof, she was banished to her room. Only the entourage on the estate near Berchtesgaden really knew what was going on.

Yes, Hitler kept a 19 year old locked in her room and only let her out for relations at his bidding. Sounds great right?

Well, he eventually decided to marry his Tschapperl in the face of total defeat, in the underground world of the Chancellery bunker when the Red Army took Berlin. They agreed on mutual suicide for their honeymoon. In other words, the woman wanted to marry him so bad she talked him into mutual suicide! At least Hitler had the good sense of killing himself when faced with a life of holy matrimony and nagging.

2) OJ Simpson

I’ve got nothing to say other than she probably had it coming. At least OJ’s making money off the whole thing, despite his public shame. These clips at least prove there is a God: Solid gold starting 45 seconds in and the remix!

1) Anakin Sywalker

Anakin Skywalker, at one point on the path to goodness, was turned to the dark side when Queen Padmé Amidala got into his head.

We all know once past the pinnacle years of 16-18, the only direction a woman has to go is down. First they get fat drinking beer in college, then they move to Washington DC and stay fat, then, as they approach 30 they freak out and start dieting and working out, only at that point they’re wrinkly and used. While many men get tricked during these 2-3 years a single woman is fit in their late 20’s/early 30’s- going so far as proposing marriage and giving the woman what’s left of his soul and half his money- a wiser man realizes he can keep his growing fortune to himself for the rest of his life and get blowjobs from money grubbing 20-somethings without worrying about losing half.

The point is, falling for a woman is gay, but falling for an older woman is downright foolish- and that is exactly what happened to young Anakin. You may recall Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Queen Padme was fully grown while Anakin wasn’t a day older than 8 and a horrendous actor. How people dismiss this alarming gap in age and the future fornicators’ flirtations is beyond me. Imagine the outrage had Anakin been the elder!? Regardless, we all should have known Anakin’s flirtations were his first step toward The Dark Side.

See, it would have been one thing if Anakin simply aspired to rule the Universe and turned to The Dark Side to accomplish this dream. Not only would that have been pretty cool, it would have been smart. But our dreams become clouded and ultimately crushed when women become involved. You may dream about sitting on the couch all day eating pizza and watching football, but come Sunday afternoon you find yourself on a bicycle 10 miles away from home- and you think you’re actually having fun! You may dream about going out with your friends and having a good time, but you know someone is going to be angry with you for a week and tell you and anyone who will listen all about your “drinking problem.” You may dream about sleeping with the 22 year old at the office, but when you’re drunk with her at the bar your girlfriend is there too. Crushed.

Nevertheless, poor Anakin never had a chance to discover any dream because Padme’s manipulative claws had scratched their way into his head by the time he was 8! Soon enough, the once promising young lad was nothing more than a lustful, confused, bad acting, prancing temper tantrum hacking up innocents with his light saber. Yes, the woman made him deranged Gentlemen.

Finally, in a last fit of hissy upon hearing Padme was dead, Anakin- despite having higher midi-chlorian levels in his blood than even Yoda- got his ass handed to him by Obi-Wan Kenobi. This never would have happened had he kept his dickings to hookers and bar skanks- such carefree coupling environs don’t open the woman’s gateway of sin to your brain. Just give them the dick Gentlemen, don’t give them your mind.

Left for dead as his limbs burned away, the young prancer was saved by the Emperor, who bestowed upon him a big black helmet and James Earl Jones’s voice. Keep in mind, there won’t always be a magical evil Emperor there to make us a man after some woman has turned us into a lovesick poltroon.


In conclusion, while millions of us were fooled for the first 20 or so years of our lives into thinking Darth Vader was the ultimate villain- an ultra-cool badass who you just didn’t want to meet in a dark ally- he was really just a polly prissy pants who’s mind was manipulated by a precocious JAP who won’t get naked in her movies. That’s why he sold out in the end, killed his master, didn’t conquer the galaxy, danced with midgets in bear suits (which is actually pretty cool), and George Lucas edited out the sweet Ewok victory song from the original and put in some new crap song with some more CG crap. What gives? Was the old Ewok song not festive enough?!!! God I’m angry.. and man Anakin got ugly.


All that is left to say is a shoutout to Papa Groosh and his people: “dos meshugas shandeh far di kinder schmucks matzo ball!”

Shalom.

posted by Sir Nasty Natroneus, Ph.D
Orator Excelsior

I realized today, as I scrolled past a barrage of Drudgereport headlines reading “Massive Waves of Rockets Strike Northern Israel” and “300 Killed, 1,000 Wounded” and “Iranian Missile Surprises Washington,” only to click on "Man Catches Fish with Human-Like Teeth," that I don’t really care. I Really don’t have anything else to say, mainly because I don’t care enough to say it. That fact of the matter is, if you’re foreign, I don’t care about you. If you’re from a different state, I don’t care about you. If you’re from a different neighborhood, I don’t care about you. And if I don’t know you, I don’t care about you either, unless I can make money off you someday. Pretty much if everyone on earth was killed except my friends, all women from Miami, some guys who know how to make beer, all the puppies of the world, my acquaintances down at the Asian massage parlor, and their illegitimate young Asian sons, I would be fine.

And just to stir things up in the middle east, here is a picture of the Profit Muhammed:

I just read Bill Simmon’s article about choosing a soccer team, and I don’t want to sound like a queer or noth’n, but “Arsenal” is a pretty cool name. And even though soccer it a cute little gay sport for prancing fairies, how cool would it be if your team was called the Arsenal? Not only does it make mere Bullets sound one-dimensional and pathetic, but it also sounds like “Arse,” which is British for “Anus.” So eat that Abe Pollen’s and your stupid name choosing wife.. and whoever drew up the Wizards logo. In fact, I am more pissed off about the Wizards name and crappy logo than I care about the 50 children murdered everyday by some evil psychotic primitive murderous barbarian seriously fucked up in the head Arab who thinks paradise is a suicide bomb away.

As many of you know, I took a lengthy hiatus from drinking. People would come up to me and say “Sir Nasty, you’ve lost your edge since you quit drinking” and “your writing sucks” and “kill yourself.” So I decided, for the dozen of you who read this blog and the thousands of others that probably read it as well and hate me, that I would start drinking again. While I hoped this would inspire my writing, all that has resulted is bad gas and malaise. Oh yeah, and a [pending] job [offer].

Yes friends, I am being flown to ____ city to attend ____’s annual meeting. Soon I will probably be trying to sell you life insurance. Now let me in fill you in a little knowledge those of us in the business usually keep to ourselves- some of the wealthiest people in the world have made their fortunes from cashing in on life insurance policies! Here’s how it works:

Before you get too old and your wife gets ovarian cancer and your prostate has to get amputated, buy a bunch of life policies on your wife- make sure the payoff is in the millions. While your monthly premiums will be high, you don’t need to worry about this for long. Soon after you’ve got your long term plan together- insured primarily off the life of your wife- take her to our in-house Chinese restaurant. There, our expert chefs will serve your wife poisoned blowfish. It doesn’t matter what she orders, as we all know women can’t tell the difference between a diamond and cubic zirconium, so there’s no way they can tell the difference between fish, chicken, vegetables or meat. Anyway, the poisoned blowfish will quickly paralyze then kill your wife. Just sit there and act horrified. Maybe yell out a “call 911!” The key is to act genuinely surprised and flummoxed. When all is said in done, all you can say is “what they hey? These things happen in Chinese food restaurants” Then explain that is why they all have disclaimers written in Chinese on the menu saying “not responsible if our food causes you to die a slow, painful death.”

So there you have it, all parties are innocent and poor innocent you gets to cash in millions from your wisely bought insurance! As an added bonus, women will be on your grieving penis like it’s a $100 bill. Conversely, if you’re a woman and you want to get rich, you don’t need to have your husband killed, just divorce him and take half. That will at least murder his soul, and we all know destroying a man’s soul is what really makes you women happy.

posted by Sir Nasty Natroneus, Ph.D Orator Excelsior

Bo Jackson

Is awesome

Welcome

Welcome, ladies and esteemed Gentlemen, to our new site. As you may have heard, we had a contractual dispute with our previous server. Apparently "prostitution" and "plans for world takeover" don't agree with the tripod mantra. So here we are, with an easy to remember, hyphen-less name, albeit sans fat man in fox hat drinking beer. Yes, you win some and you lose some in life my friends, but remember, there are always opportunites ahead. Opportunities that you will probably be too drunk to remember, that might leave you in a jail cell playing little spoon under a bench to Carlos's big spoon, or in a pile of feces in someone's backyard- but opportunities nonetheless.

As for our old site (linked on right toolbar), after weeks of litigation at the behest of my esteemed colleague Sir Francis Xavier Esq., we have managed to hold on to its rights. Yes friends, you may view years of creme de la creme at any time. For our friends doomed to eternal damnation, you may also view this picture of The Original Virginia Gentleman at any time.


In my time away from the blog, I have had much time to ponder the world. I would like to share some thoughts with you:

When you're hanging out with a girl dog, known in layman's terms as a filthy bitch whore, does it want to hook up with you? I always feel a little awkward around them thinking about this. I keep telling myself, no Sir Nasty, you don't want to hook up with the dog and the dog doesn't want to hook up with you, but then it nuzzles up to my balls and licks the peanut butter, chocolate or what have you right off! Certainly there is something fishy about this, and that is why it's awkward to hang out with bitches.

How do wires always get tangled? This question has always perplexed me, but over the past weeks has hit a boiling point. How does it happen? You've got your DVD wires, your TV wires, your stereo wires and your vibrating butt plug wires. Somehow, simply by plugging them in next to eachother, they become a mangled mess. Even if I tried to weave them all together to make an unweavable shit storm, I couldn't do it as well as just laying them next to each other. Science cannot explain this phenomenon so it must be proof that there is a God, and he's fucking with us. And also that when it rains He's peeing on us.. and thunder is, in fact, His farts. Perhaps lightening is fiery hemorrhoids, but I digress.

The real question is, when is some Scientist going to create the untangleable wire? something where you put a blowdrier over it and it straightens out or some bullshit like rooting for the Eagles. I will get on this.

Speaking of hemorrhoids, I made my monthly trip to the analgesics section at CVS to restock my anal care stockpile. Much to my dismay, Tucks- maker of the ever-necessary and refreshing Tuck's wipes- has bought out Anusol. That's right ladies and gentlemen, you better get as much Anusol as you can, because those tubes on the shelf are the last you'll see. Hopefully Tucks has the good sense to keep the good name alive, if only for the sole purpose of female guests, when searching throught the medicine cabinet, come across the clearly labeled Anusol tube with the reddish brown goopy used applicator still attached.

Also speaking of poo, I'm sure you all saw that French guy headbutt that Italian. I never thought a Frenchman could be so aggressive and was quite amused by the ramming headbutt to the chest. Various lip readers have claimed the Italian called the Frenchman a dirty terrorist because his parents are native terrorist. This begs the question, where did all those balck people on the French soccer team come from? I thought French people were all skinny, white, hairy and rude. I suppose the Tony Parker's of the world have to come from somewhere, so I guess they're all naturalized gay lovers.

Well, ladies and Gentlemen, I have much more to share but I have some errands to run. These consist of being unemployed, eating a lot and masturbating three times a day. Until next time, faretheewell and God Bless the Queen of my Rectum.

posted by Sir Nasty Natroneus, Ph.D
Orator Excelsior