Good day ladies and germs. Now that the NBA season is nearing the midway point- and my life schedule is defined by that of the NBA- I figure it time to write some thoughts from the past several months. Because of the wide ground to cover, I’ll keep this discussion to only the most vital life topics. Also, due to general apathy and malaise, I'm not adding any hyperlinks or pictures. If you need those to read further, I suggest you sniff my feet:
Bottom 5 and Top 5 Movies I Saw This Year
The Worst
5) Bridge to Tarabithia – WTF!? Seriously, WTF!? They make you think there’s going to be all this cool fantasy shit everywhere and awesome special effects and what not but all it is is two little kids running around in the woods playing make believe. NO real fantasy actually happens, just imaginary shit without any special effects or anything- until one of the little rascals dies. I mean for real, WTF!!!
4) Atonement – Artsy over the top I’m going to make them depressed and win an oscar for being a fru fru tool! Movie goes like this: Upstanding farmboy and bratty rich kid’s older sister are in love, jealous bratty rich kid wrongly accuses upstanding farmboy of child rape, upstanding farmboy goes to jail, “four years later,” upstanding farmboy now in the army dies on way home to spend life with bratty rich kid's older sister whohe loves, bratty rich kid's older sister who loves upstanding farmboy dies in bombing, fast forward to bratty rich kid as old lady on talk show talking about the book she wrote about all this crap. Fast forward to the theater yesterday, where movie declared horseshit by me.
3) Into the Wild – If ever I wanted to murder somebody, it would be this idiot who leaves his family with no word or anything to galavant around the country and preach his bullshit to any hippie who will listen. Ultimately the jackass hikes into the middle of nowhere, lives in school bus, eats some poison berries and dies. That was the best part of this pretentious Sean Penn/EddieVedder tuned schlep. Really makes you feel disdain for liberals.
2,1) Knocked Up/Juno – At first glance, these were cute little comedies. At second glance, they were man hating ra ra vagina juice harangues. Yeah! Make him leave his fun life behind so he can work a ho hum job, live in a ho hum house to make his ho hum girfriend who has kankles and ho hum kid happy! Yeah! 16 year old pregnancy! Get rid of that bad man who doesn’t want to ‘grow up’ and have some whiny kid with his bitchy wife who also has kankles! Yeah, awkward sexual tension between the 16 year old and bad man that seems to get glossed over in an otherwise light hearted comedy about the hilarious foibles of teen pregnancy! Men are evil! Yeah! If I see another pregnancy movie I’m going to slice my dick off and hang myself with it. Because it's long. Yeah!
The Best
5,4) American Gangster/No Country for Old Men- I saw these movies back to back and both had the same theme- that women always bring a man down. In American Gangster, if Denzel doesn’t wear that stupid fur nonsense his woman insisted he wear, po po never would’ve notice him nor would he be on the receiving end of rival gangsters' envy. In No Country, if he doesn’t stop to drink with the drunk girl, he keeps on living. He made so many badass manuevers to survive, yet gets done so easily by some dirty no good poon. If these movies tell you anything, gentlemen, is you never ever ever trust a woman.
3) Superbad – Hehe. He draws dicks! McLovin! Nerd! Booze! Hot chicks! Sex! Awesome!
2) Transformers – I hate Michael Bay, so I was pleasantly surprised with the action packed adventure. Bay took the time to use pyrotechnics, an art that has been lost to CGI, hence the powerful and realistic explosions. I also want to make that Shia my LeBoyfriend. Nice ass on that one.
1) Rambo – They don’t make movies like this anymore, but they should. Standing ovation at the showing. Anybody with two wrinkly flab bags hanging between their legs will enjoy this movie, at least if they enjoy vagina. Yeah, liking vagina is so masculine!
FOOTBALL
While whatever demon possessed me to stand up and cheer for the NY Giants has since finished devouring my soul, there is some semblance of sanity deep in whatever he pood out that is sending me clear rational thoughts. Also please note from here on out this post will be little on attempted humor and big on common sense.
On Eli
Eli Manning is the luckiest human being alive. Not only did he throw the game into Asante Samuel’s hands on the final drive, he threw a wobbly duck into quadruple coverage only to be caught by a guy who definitely will be driving a van full of weed for a living by the end of this decade. From choke to hero in a matter of inches. Thus is the NFL my friends.
On Brady
Eli reminds me of another lucky QB by the name of Tom Brady. While not many would dare question Mr. Brady’s fortitude, I firmly believe he is equally as gutless and lucky as the Manning brother(s). Let's review his long history of uninspiring performances and outright chokes:
Let’s go back to the 2002 divisional playoff against Oakland. I was in a Columbus pub- in the midst of a thick white snowfall contrasting the dark as black Columbus sky- when I look up from my $100ers worth of sweet Ohio spirits, the world around me a blur of bleach blonde tattooed, um, morality- yet crystal clear in the corner picture box I see a strapping young quarterback- himself caught in a snow storm- clear as the day is night- fumble the football. While I will never understand how this was not ruled a fumble, and why the NFL took it upon itself to make a new rule calling all Tom Brady fumbles incomplete passes, watching Adam Vinieteri’s kick sail through the uprights was the real genius in this game and aptly illuminated the true hero of the Patriots.
Brady followed this good fortune with a 115 yd 0 td performance against Pittsburgh and a 145 yd 1 td Superbowl performance against St. Louis when, once again I saw behind J25 throwing a filthy ping pong ball into my cup, Vinieteri kicking the Pats into the lead as Warner practiced beer pong on the stairs of our milk box. I puked that evening an ever so fine blend of Big Bear bought Busch Lite, Natural Ice and grime from our floor carried through the air attached to a white as the Virgin Mary ping pong ball.
Fast forward to the ’04 divisional round against Tennessee. Brady amassed 201 yds on 21-41 passing, leaving Vinieteri to win yet another vital game. After spending the morning eating $100 Orca platters at that fancy restaurant who’s name escapes me with Sir Francis Xavier, Ron, his date we called Urlacher who was big and hairy, Acehole and my former roommate he had just banged the night before (who was a girl), then off to Penisville, drugs and beer, it was apparently Vinny once again against Philly in ’05. Thankfully so because I won $50 on a Patriots cover and the under teaser and then didn’t go to work for the next three days. After all, I am rich bitch.
An ‘06 divisional round 2 interception drubbing at the hands of Jake Plummer and the Broncos, then a 3 interception gem in ’07 against San Diego that was a fumbled Marlon McCree (pretty sure, way too lazy to look up) interception away from sure Padregs victory. At least Brady lucked by Schottenheimer so he could famously lose to another reknown Manning choke artist in the conference championship. Might I also mention that Vienetieri got his sweet revenge after the Pats retardedly didn’t resign him, the single most important player on their three Superbowl teams.
Of course this season, if those 3 picks (you know you want me to say “pickles” but homie don't play that) against Norv Turner and the Padregs weren’t enough (losing to two Mannings is pretty bad, but if you lose to Marty or Norv Turner you might as well start fucking men and pretending like you can live a normal life), Tom Brady’s uninspiring Superbowl performance confirmed my belief that he's not so great. Sure the playcalling sucked, but it's not like Brady did anything about it.
The Pats also could have used Adam Vinieteri, who they cheaply let go, on that 4th down in the first half that would have been a 49 yd attempt. Gostkowski is such a bum they just had Brady throw the ball out of bounds. Again, Tom Brady’s superbowl performance only confirmed my belief that Brady shouldn’t be mentioned in the same sentence as greats like Joe Theisman, Doug Williams and Mark Rypien. He lost to both Mannings in the Superbowl for chrissake. He’s really not that great friends. The proof is in that non-sensical pudding above.
On Dan Snyder
Does a pro team play for its fans or are fans manipulated into lining an owner’s pockets? Is Dan Snyder really trying to put together a winning team or making it look like he is so we keep buying tickets? Where is the line that separates a team being the owner’s team and a team being a city’s team?
Take the publicly owned Green Bay Packers, the only community owned, non-profit team in the league. Citizen-fans own shares and a CEO is appointed by them. This precludes some egomaniacal imbecile from corrupting the team and taking advantage of the public only to bolster his bottom line. All the Packers are trying to do is win, not profit.
Dan Snyder, on the other hand, has taken advantage of this town’s love of the Redskins by jacking up ticket prices, cramming as many teeny tiny seats as possible in the stadium and gauging fans for parking. At one point he tried to ban walking to the stadium. Needless to say, Redskins tickets are the most expensive in the game because their owner is first and foremost concerned with the bottom line. Winning, of course, helps generate revenue, but make no mistake, winning for the fan’s sake is not why Snyder is here.
Not that I’m some sort of for the greater good commie, but when a team belongs to one man, its existence only to turn him a profit via giving fans the illusion he is trying his best to win, why should we feel compelled to expend time, emotion and money on his team? Just remember, rooting for the Redskins is rooting for Dan Snyder’s wallet.
Of course if we all say fuck him and an owner starts losing money, he’ll simply pack up and move to Indianapolis, Baltimore or some other desperate second-rate town.
On a side note, and apologies in advance to those of you of the hook nose persuasion, but five of the seven most expensive teams to watch are Jewish owned (1st, 2nd,4th,5th,7th), and there are only seven Jewish owners in the league. And Jews wonder why they’re persecuted. It’s only a matter of time before a team changes its name to the Shylocks.
BASKETBALL
On The Wizards
I know I’m a little late on this given their soon to be nine game losing streak, but anybody who has talked basketball with me from day one knows I’ve maintained the Wizards are total BULLSHIT without Gilbert Arenas. How quickly idiots like Bill Simmons forget that the Wizards had the BEST RECORD IN THE EAST at the all star break last year. That’s right, Eddie Jordan was well on his way to a coach of the year trophy until Jamison got hurt, then Caron, then Gilbert. Really the primary reason they’ve been respectable up until now is because Etanya Thomas hasn’t been around to preach his prissy bullshit and get into cat fights with Brenda. I was so happy when his heart exploded and I’m crushed that he’ll play basketball again the filthy liberal.
On Recent Trades
This is pretty much an email I sent a couple days ago so if you already read this go get some ointment and stick it up my itchy burning asshole for me. See, I'm pissed off about the Suns trading away their best player for 300 lbs of useless. Not that I care about the Suns, who happen to have the best record in the West, but are you kidding? Did they forget that they were a Tim Doneghy called game and unnecessary suspensions away from beating an aging Spurs team last year? That Robert Horry (37), Bruce Bowen (36), Tim Duncan (one leg, 33 in April, 10 full years + playoffs of mileage), Michael Finley (35 in March) and Brent Barry (36) all play significant minutes? What, are they afraid that big bad Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol and the pointguard-less Lakers will steal their thunder? That Laker team will unravel faster than you can say "big whiney Euros who can't play D (see Dirk Nowitsky) and teams without point guards don't win championships unless they have MJ and Pippen [post BJ Armstrong era]."
Even if the Lakers take off, do the Suns think Shaq is a better defender than Marion?? The guy averages 10 boards, 2 steals and 1.5 blocks/game to Shaq wearing a superman emblemed suit sitting on the bench because he's injured, useless and is due $40 million over the next two years from a team that regularly gives away first rounders so they don't have to pay young talent guaranteed money.
Back to the Lakers, how retarded are the Grizzlies? They trade Gasol for an expiring Kwameeri to clear $10 mil in cap space so they can offer the max to this summer's superstar free agent crop featuring the likes of, um, Luol Deng and Andre Iguodala! Of course assuming the Wizards- whose name REALLY pisses me off because it is so STUPID and Reid's pee penmanship is better than the logo art- offer Gilbert a max deal and the quirky fucker accepts.
Anyway, the Grizzlies traded a bitchy low post scorer whose national team won the Olympics after he injured his ankle so he's pretty much useless anyway for the chance to sign some swingmen who probably won't be available when their respective teams make better offers. So their team next year will be shelling out $30 million to Mike Miller, Brian Cardinal, Jason Collins and Darko Milicic (any of whom could have an expiring deal, but this mac I'm using is too slow to look it up) with Gay, Conley and Lowry running the show. Enjoy those 19 wins next year and the knowledge that you just gave the Lakers a decent chance fuck you and the rest of the league in the collective unlubed asshole.
Et Cetera
Stay tuned for some thoughts on politics and religion. Maybe they'll be tomorrow, maybe they'll be next year. All I know is I've been taking waaay to much zince and niacin- been popping boners like I'm 15 watch MTV Spring Break.
Bottom 5 and Top 5 Movies I Saw This Year
The Worst
5) Bridge to Tarabithia – WTF!? Seriously, WTF!? They make you think there’s going to be all this cool fantasy shit everywhere and awesome special effects and what not but all it is is two little kids running around in the woods playing make believe. NO real fantasy actually happens, just imaginary shit without any special effects or anything- until one of the little rascals dies. I mean for real, WTF!!!
4) Atonement – Artsy over the top I’m going to make them depressed and win an oscar for being a fru fru tool! Movie goes like this: Upstanding farmboy and bratty rich kid’s older sister are in love, jealous bratty rich kid wrongly accuses upstanding farmboy of child rape, upstanding farmboy goes to jail, “four years later,” upstanding farmboy now in the army dies on way home to spend life with bratty rich kid's older sister whohe loves, bratty rich kid's older sister who loves upstanding farmboy dies in bombing, fast forward to bratty rich kid as old lady on talk show talking about the book she wrote about all this crap. Fast forward to the theater yesterday, where movie declared horseshit by me.
3) Into the Wild – If ever I wanted to murder somebody, it would be this idiot who leaves his family with no word or anything to galavant around the country and preach his bullshit to any hippie who will listen. Ultimately the jackass hikes into the middle of nowhere, lives in school bus, eats some poison berries and dies. That was the best part of this pretentious Sean Penn/EddieVedder tuned schlep. Really makes you feel disdain for liberals.
2,1) Knocked Up/Juno – At first glance, these were cute little comedies. At second glance, they were man hating ra ra vagina juice harangues. Yeah! Make him leave his fun life behind so he can work a ho hum job, live in a ho hum house to make his ho hum girfriend who has kankles and ho hum kid happy! Yeah! 16 year old pregnancy! Get rid of that bad man who doesn’t want to ‘grow up’ and have some whiny kid with his bitchy wife who also has kankles! Yeah, awkward sexual tension between the 16 year old and bad man that seems to get glossed over in an otherwise light hearted comedy about the hilarious foibles of teen pregnancy! Men are evil! Yeah! If I see another pregnancy movie I’m going to slice my dick off and hang myself with it. Because it's long. Yeah!
The Best
5,4) American Gangster/No Country for Old Men- I saw these movies back to back and both had the same theme- that women always bring a man down. In American Gangster, if Denzel doesn’t wear that stupid fur nonsense his woman insisted he wear, po po never would’ve notice him nor would he be on the receiving end of rival gangsters' envy. In No Country, if he doesn’t stop to drink with the drunk girl, he keeps on living. He made so many badass manuevers to survive, yet gets done so easily by some dirty no good poon. If these movies tell you anything, gentlemen, is you never ever ever trust a woman.
3) Superbad – Hehe. He draws dicks! McLovin! Nerd! Booze! Hot chicks! Sex! Awesome!
2) Transformers – I hate Michael Bay, so I was pleasantly surprised with the action packed adventure. Bay took the time to use pyrotechnics, an art that has been lost to CGI, hence the powerful and realistic explosions. I also want to make that Shia my LeBoyfriend. Nice ass on that one.
1) Rambo – They don’t make movies like this anymore, but they should. Standing ovation at the showing. Anybody with two wrinkly flab bags hanging between their legs will enjoy this movie, at least if they enjoy vagina. Yeah, liking vagina is so masculine!
FOOTBALL
While whatever demon possessed me to stand up and cheer for the NY Giants has since finished devouring my soul, there is some semblance of sanity deep in whatever he pood out that is sending me clear rational thoughts. Also please note from here on out this post will be little on attempted humor and big on common sense.
On Eli
Eli Manning is the luckiest human being alive. Not only did he throw the game into Asante Samuel’s hands on the final drive, he threw a wobbly duck into quadruple coverage only to be caught by a guy who definitely will be driving a van full of weed for a living by the end of this decade. From choke to hero in a matter of inches. Thus is the NFL my friends.
On Brady
Eli reminds me of another lucky QB by the name of Tom Brady. While not many would dare question Mr. Brady’s fortitude, I firmly believe he is equally as gutless and lucky as the Manning brother(s). Let's review his long history of uninspiring performances and outright chokes:
Let’s go back to the 2002 divisional playoff against Oakland. I was in a Columbus pub- in the midst of a thick white snowfall contrasting the dark as black Columbus sky- when I look up from my $100ers worth of sweet Ohio spirits, the world around me a blur of bleach blonde tattooed, um, morality- yet crystal clear in the corner picture box I see a strapping young quarterback- himself caught in a snow storm- clear as the day is night- fumble the football. While I will never understand how this was not ruled a fumble, and why the NFL took it upon itself to make a new rule calling all Tom Brady fumbles incomplete passes, watching Adam Vinieteri’s kick sail through the uprights was the real genius in this game and aptly illuminated the true hero of the Patriots.
Brady followed this good fortune with a 115 yd 0 td performance against Pittsburgh and a 145 yd 1 td Superbowl performance against St. Louis when, once again I saw behind J25 throwing a filthy ping pong ball into my cup, Vinieteri kicking the Pats into the lead as Warner practiced beer pong on the stairs of our milk box. I puked that evening an ever so fine blend of Big Bear bought Busch Lite, Natural Ice and grime from our floor carried through the air attached to a white as the Virgin Mary ping pong ball.
Fast forward to the ’04 divisional round against Tennessee. Brady amassed 201 yds on 21-41 passing, leaving Vinieteri to win yet another vital game. After spending the morning eating $100 Orca platters at that fancy restaurant who’s name escapes me with Sir Francis Xavier, Ron, his date we called Urlacher who was big and hairy, Acehole and my former roommate he had just banged the night before (who was a girl), then off to Penisville, drugs and beer, it was apparently Vinny once again against Philly in ’05. Thankfully so because I won $50 on a Patriots cover and the under teaser and then didn’t go to work for the next three days. After all, I am rich bitch.
An ‘06 divisional round 2 interception drubbing at the hands of Jake Plummer and the Broncos, then a 3 interception gem in ’07 against San Diego that was a fumbled Marlon McCree (pretty sure, way too lazy to look up) interception away from sure Padregs victory. At least Brady lucked by Schottenheimer so he could famously lose to another reknown Manning choke artist in the conference championship. Might I also mention that Vienetieri got his sweet revenge after the Pats retardedly didn’t resign him, the single most important player on their three Superbowl teams.
Of course this season, if those 3 picks (you know you want me to say “pickles” but homie don't play that) against Norv Turner and the Padregs weren’t enough (losing to two Mannings is pretty bad, but if you lose to Marty or Norv Turner you might as well start fucking men and pretending like you can live a normal life), Tom Brady’s uninspiring Superbowl performance confirmed my belief that he's not so great. Sure the playcalling sucked, but it's not like Brady did anything about it.
The Pats also could have used Adam Vinieteri, who they cheaply let go, on that 4th down in the first half that would have been a 49 yd attempt. Gostkowski is such a bum they just had Brady throw the ball out of bounds. Again, Tom Brady’s superbowl performance only confirmed my belief that Brady shouldn’t be mentioned in the same sentence as greats like Joe Theisman, Doug Williams and Mark Rypien. He lost to both Mannings in the Superbowl for chrissake. He’s really not that great friends. The proof is in that non-sensical pudding above.
On Dan Snyder
Does a pro team play for its fans or are fans manipulated into lining an owner’s pockets? Is Dan Snyder really trying to put together a winning team or making it look like he is so we keep buying tickets? Where is the line that separates a team being the owner’s team and a team being a city’s team?
Take the publicly owned Green Bay Packers, the only community owned, non-profit team in the league. Citizen-fans own shares and a CEO is appointed by them. This precludes some egomaniacal imbecile from corrupting the team and taking advantage of the public only to bolster his bottom line. All the Packers are trying to do is win, not profit.
Dan Snyder, on the other hand, has taken advantage of this town’s love of the Redskins by jacking up ticket prices, cramming as many teeny tiny seats as possible in the stadium and gauging fans for parking. At one point he tried to ban walking to the stadium. Needless to say, Redskins tickets are the most expensive in the game because their owner is first and foremost concerned with the bottom line. Winning, of course, helps generate revenue, but make no mistake, winning for the fan’s sake is not why Snyder is here.
Not that I’m some sort of for the greater good commie, but when a team belongs to one man, its existence only to turn him a profit via giving fans the illusion he is trying his best to win, why should we feel compelled to expend time, emotion and money on his team? Just remember, rooting for the Redskins is rooting for Dan Snyder’s wallet.
Of course if we all say fuck him and an owner starts losing money, he’ll simply pack up and move to Indianapolis, Baltimore or some other desperate second-rate town.
On a side note, and apologies in advance to those of you of the hook nose persuasion, but five of the seven most expensive teams to watch are Jewish owned (1st, 2nd,4th,5th,7th), and there are only seven Jewish owners in the league. And Jews wonder why they’re persecuted. It’s only a matter of time before a team changes its name to the Shylocks.
BASKETBALL
On The Wizards
I know I’m a little late on this given their soon to be nine game losing streak, but anybody who has talked basketball with me from day one knows I’ve maintained the Wizards are total BULLSHIT without Gilbert Arenas. How quickly idiots like Bill Simmons forget that the Wizards had the BEST RECORD IN THE EAST at the all star break last year. That’s right, Eddie Jordan was well on his way to a coach of the year trophy until Jamison got hurt, then Caron, then Gilbert. Really the primary reason they’ve been respectable up until now is because Etanya Thomas hasn’t been around to preach his prissy bullshit and get into cat fights with Brenda. I was so happy when his heart exploded and I’m crushed that he’ll play basketball again the filthy liberal.
On Recent Trades
This is pretty much an email I sent a couple days ago so if you already read this go get some ointment and stick it up my itchy burning asshole for me. See, I'm pissed off about the Suns trading away their best player for 300 lbs of useless. Not that I care about the Suns, who happen to have the best record in the West, but are you kidding? Did they forget that they were a Tim Doneghy called game and unnecessary suspensions away from beating an aging Spurs team last year? That Robert Horry (37), Bruce Bowen (36), Tim Duncan (one leg, 33 in April, 10 full years + playoffs of mileage), Michael Finley (35 in March) and Brent Barry (36) all play significant minutes? What, are they afraid that big bad Andrew Bynum, Pau Gasol and the pointguard-less Lakers will steal their thunder? That Laker team will unravel faster than you can say "big whiney Euros who can't play D (see Dirk Nowitsky) and teams without point guards don't win championships unless they have MJ and Pippen [post BJ Armstrong era]."
Even if the Lakers take off, do the Suns think Shaq is a better defender than Marion?? The guy averages 10 boards, 2 steals and 1.5 blocks/game to Shaq wearing a superman emblemed suit sitting on the bench because he's injured, useless and is due $40 million over the next two years from a team that regularly gives away first rounders so they don't have to pay young talent guaranteed money.
Back to the Lakers, how retarded are the Grizzlies? They trade Gasol for an expiring Kwameeri to clear $10 mil in cap space so they can offer the max to this summer's superstar free agent crop featuring the likes of, um, Luol Deng and Andre Iguodala! Of course assuming the Wizards- whose name REALLY pisses me off because it is so STUPID and Reid's pee penmanship is better than the logo art- offer Gilbert a max deal and the quirky fucker accepts.
Anyway, the Grizzlies traded a bitchy low post scorer whose national team won the Olympics after he injured his ankle so he's pretty much useless anyway for the chance to sign some swingmen who probably won't be available when their respective teams make better offers. So their team next year will be shelling out $30 million to Mike Miller, Brian Cardinal, Jason Collins and Darko Milicic (any of whom could have an expiring deal, but this mac I'm using is too slow to look it up) with Gay, Conley and Lowry running the show. Enjoy those 19 wins next year and the knowledge that you just gave the Lakers a decent chance fuck you and the rest of the league in the collective unlubed asshole.
Et Cetera
Stay tuned for some thoughts on politics and religion. Maybe they'll be tomorrow, maybe they'll be next year. All I know is I've been taking waaay to much zince and niacin- been popping boners like I'm 15 watch MTV Spring Break.
posted by The Virginia Gentleman at 3:56 PM
2 comments
