2007-08 NBA Preview

Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the second bi-annual NBA preview. I’d link to the one from two years ago, but I’m going through an emotional crisis and can’t muster the will. Today we will look at the Eastern Conference, and let me tell you, there’s not much cool about the Eastern Conference. I know this because I live there. We’ve got wintry mix, an abundance of housing, boring live theatre that people pretend to enjoy so they appear to be cultured (which makes no sense to me- why spurn the modern technological advances of stadium seated digitally mastered movies for a singing, prancing, four hours surrounded by sycophants with no special effects and no cups big enough to pee in?), we have unctuous go-getters who make far less money than they appear to (ie. anybody in politics and real estate), blond haired frumpy chicks who would still be plain even if they lost those 30 lbs, really dumb people who dress well and a ton of lawyers. Oh yeah, and where there’s a Metro, there’s the homeless- scary, smelly and annoying at the same time! Isn’t there someplace we can put these people? Like a homeless village at the zoo, and a couple times a day pump in air raid alarms and the sounds of munitions exploding all around? All for the viewing pleasure of the people with homes? Now that’s entertainment. Speaking of air raids and explosions, I am now pooping.

Anyway, here are my rankings for the season:


15) Indiana Pacers
The Pacers, a non-descript team from a non-descript place- an enigma if you will (kind of like Purdue University and Tuesdays)- are not really a team anybody cares about. Their logo is lame, their city is lame and their population is lame. To be honest, I’ve never even met anybody from Indiana, and the only time I went there my car lost a wheel on the interstate and I was stuck in the middle of the highway for twelve hours until a cop picked me, Pontificating Penis Erectai and our 1/2lb bag a weed up and drove us to a rest stop a couple miles down the road where, after failed attempts at hitchhiking, we were pointed to a Greyhound station 4 miles away in Elkhart, Indiana, home of the shitburger. So we walked along the side of the highway and let me tell you, the sides of highways are NOT meant for walking- they’re meant for dropping off used contraceptives, syringes and dead bodies. We eventually got on the greyhound, stopping in beautiful Gary, where this movie takes place- probably the only cool thing to come out of the state beside Big Dog Robinson and a good Bobby Knight racially charged tirade. Needless to say, I will never step foot in the state of Indiana again. And whoever thought trading two black guys for two white guys (see Harrington & Jackson for Dunleavy and Murphy) was a good idea should be forced to live in the homeless village at the zoo, because they have no right to have a job... or home… and they undoubtedly are from Indiana.


14) Milwaukee Bucks
I blacked out and got beat up by an overzealous black man at a work function in Milwaukee, then the cops were very mean to me and put me in a squad car. Much to my dismay, there were no handles on the inside! What if there was a fire?! Also, drafting an overrated Chinaman who is a tad more athletic and Chinese than Jared Jeffries, and who doesn’t want to play for your crappy town with its overweight, mustached, somewhat friendly people is NOT the way to the promised land. Neither is having three former Bullets on your roster (Simmons, Storey, Ruffin), unless, of course, you’re the Pistons.


13) New York Knicks
We’ve all hopefully been keeping tabs on Isaiah’s sexual harassment and Stephon Marbury’s insanity, which I am too busy- did I say busy? I mean lazy- to look up but trust me, it’s all on Youtube and the comedy speaks for itself, but a team with a starting five of pure scorers who can’t pass, defend or say nice things to people (Marbury, Crawford, Richardson, Randolph, Curry) will probably get high on drugs and bang interns in their car, all the while commenting on how women are bitches and that journalist has nice shoes. Speaking of famous Isaiah’s, I saw Isaiah Washington of "No, I did not call T.R. Knight a faggot" fame at Café Deluxe the other day. He certainly is dreamy. Oh yeah, and Tiki Barber is totally lame.


12) Charlotte Bobcats
I wonder how many times MJ has made Adam Morrison cry just by shouting out KWAMEERI!!!!!!!!! Last time I went to North Carolina I black out drove my car over the median blasting Southern Cross with my friend, who really has a PhD, puking out the back window. Somehow I managed to get home with cigarettes and Gatorade. I also sent several people in the vicinity of my girlfriend’s name on my cell topless pictures of myself. Woops.


11) Atlanta Hawks
Probably the most talented team in the East, but can you really see them going to the playoffs with Acie Law IV, Tyronn Pue and Stinky Stankston distributing the rock? How angry would you be if you were a Hawks fan and you didn’t have Chris Paul on your roster? Has anybody ever even met a Hawks fan? And speaking of the ATL, when is Outkast coming out with a new album? How is traffic in Atlanta possibly near as bad as traffic in DC? Why are nice houses there so cheap? Why does everybody care so much about some damn dogs Michael Vick raped and hung? They’re animals for Chrissake- we eat animals everyday of our lives. Cow, pig, chicken, Chinese food- they’re all delicious! You know why people are pissed? Because of the liberals.


10) Philadelphia 76ers
Chances are you’ve realized by now that people from Philly are losers- not just in the sports world, but in all walks of life. Seriously, it’s a miserable, bitter, someone chased me down the street with a baseball bat just because I peed on his car type of place. They also have Shavlik Randolph on their basketball team… and a guy who grabs balls.


9) Miami Heat
Where grandparents and washed up ballers go to die, drug dealers go to pick up our cocaine and our housekeepers drift ashore.



8) Orlando Magic
I don’t have much to say about Orlando, but I will say that it’s about the OIL people, so quit whining about being “mislead” with WMD’s and freedom and what not. Anybody with half a brain knows that every calorie we eat requires an assload of oil, and if we don’t control the oil, we’re looking at this. It’s a global struggle for resources people. You won’t have those trees to hug or prissy politicians to vote for or soy without the oil, so shut up and kiss my pragmatic ass. Speaking of pragmatic, $110 million+ for Rashard Lewis and 7 years of salary cap purgatory? How do NBA owners ever become billionaires with this kind of sense? Must be new money.


7) Washington Bullets
Don’t get me wrong, I love Big Ern and I am all about building a statue of him, Eddie Jordan and Gilbert on the White House lawn, but while it appears that Ernie can build a perennial playoff contender, hope for a lucky playoff run and maintain the status quo (see NY, Milwaukee), he might not have what it takes to build a champion. Adding a rookie Euro stiff who can’t play defense, a rookie shooting guard who can’t play defense, overrating your second round pick, your best player is coming off knee surgery, and bringing back the worst center duo in the league (one of whom- the big gay uncoordinated pussy “poet”- now has a heart condition and the other- an oafish, uncoordinated weak soft selfish uppity pussy bum)- all the why reminding us of our great record last December- is supposed to make the team better? Are we supposed to believe a pussy team with scrawny pussy players who get pushed around and don’t play defense is supposed to be improved with the addition of a couple rookies? I’m going to go out on a limb and say the team finishes exactly the same as last year’s- Gay.. and John Hollinger is definitely still a virgin.


6) Cleveland Cavaliers
There are times in life when you can say I told you so, and there are times in life when you can say I told you so. Friends, I most certainly told you so. Laaaaaarry! Laaaaaaarry! See, you Cavs irritate me- you’re just painful to watch. It really comes down to a lack of fluidity- you have a sluggish center who regularly gets D’d up by Brenda, a shooting guard who has still managed to take up about a quarter of your salary cap even though I told you two years ago- and he's since proven- he’ll be injured every year, he can’t play D and will be completely ineffective in anything other than a run and gun. Still, despite my sage forewarning, you celebrated his signing on the front page of the Plain Dealer on signing day. I know this because I was there, having just soaked Marcello’s guestroom bed in my own pee. I just hope you're ashamed and you recognize. Anyway, you also have a big haired Brazilian- make that a disgruntled big haired Brazilian- who took THIS shot and now wants more money. You also have Drew Gooden, who has no soul and a dingleberry on the back of his head. Donyell Marshall is a reincarnate of Sam Perkins- I mean, every team should have an overgrown, stoned one dimensional 3-pt shooter they pay $5.6 million per. Fucking brilliant. Let’s see, $3.9 for Damon Jones- apparently because he wears nice sunglasses and once played for Miami, $3.1 million for some guy named Ira who somehow isn’t a Jew- or is he?- and Jews stink at sports. Throw in a disgruntled Sasha- which reminds me of the girl in elementary school names Sasha who bullied me and made me feel bad for having pointy teeth, throw in another $6 million for a limited, ineffectual role playing point guard who will be 35 by the end of the season, a couple young players named Boobie and Shannon and the biggest offseason moves were trading for Cedric Simmons and singing Devin Brown. Wow. To recap, that’s $48,258,626.00 for Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes, Zydrunas Illgauskas, Damon Jones, Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall and Eric Snow and a GM who would have been out of a job long ago if not for the NBA lottery. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Cleveland Caveliers!


5) Chicago Bulls
The level of incompetence of NBA management never ceases to amaze me. Trade a 20-10 guy (Elton Brand) for the draft rights to an eventual 10-12 guy (Tyson Chandler), only to get rid of him for a 6 and 10 guy ten years older and twice as expensive (Ben Wallace). Strokes of brilliance my friends, strokes of brilliance. Want to hear another stoke of brilliance? How about when Michael Jordan demanded Jerry Krause include Jamal Crawford with Elton Brand for the number one pick (aka Kwameeri)? Yup, Jamal Freak’n Crawford or no Brand. Yup, Krause didn’t pull the trigger because adding Crawford was TOO MUCH to give up. Yup, stupidity is a two way street my friends. Yup indeed.


4) Boston Celtics
Most of us probably read Bill Simmons, so we’ve had our fill of the Celtics. I’ll just say they have no point guard, no depth, Ray Allen will get hurt, they’ll run the other two old farts into the ground, and Doc Rivers is their coach. They’ll probably start off fast, go on a cold spell, then disappoint in the playoffs where point guard play is vital and they’re relying on a second year guy who shot 18 for 66 on 3’s and 57% from the free throw line in college, at least according to Wikipedia. Ouch. Rajon Rondo: Athletic as hell? Yes Good at basketball? No.


3) New Jersey Nets
All I can say is, while you probably think Jersey is a dump, Princeton NJ is a pretty nice place. There’s this great sub shop that disrespected my black friend. It was awkward, but delicious.


2) Toronto Raptors
I never thought I would say this about the Raptors, especially after the Rob Babcock reign of blunder (see VC for Eric Williams, Zo, Aaron Williams and a couple late first rounders, picking Rafael Arujo #8 overall, etc. etc. etc.), but this is an example of competent management. For a total team salary of $39,161,774.00, NBA executive of the year Bryan Colangelo and I expect Toronto to improve on last season’s 47 wins. I’m too lazy to recap all of his moves (here they are), but in one year he improved Toronto by 20 wins. His plan is pretty simple- find players who can complement Chris Bosh, play team oriented Euro ball through strong point guard play, high percentage outside shooting and trade away selfish bums like Charlie Villanueva for team player/distributors like TJ Ford. How Villanueva ever dropped 48 in a game is beyond me, but he’s a heartless bum and Colangelo took full advantage of the only time his stock will ever be high. Keep in mind that Maceo Basten will win the NBA most improved player award as well. Also, while I don’t like Euros and their team oriented fast flowing full of effort fun to watch style of play, I’d have sex with Bryan Colangelo if he managed the Bullets.


1) Detroit Pistons
Pretty much the same team as last year, except Jason Maxiell will average 15-9 and Rodney Stuckey will give them a young, energetic, consistent scorer off the bench. I still find it odd that, after all of the great moves Joe Dumars has made, he dropped the ball so badly on Darko. So when we think Darko we think unfulfilled potential- BFD. I haven’t been fulfilling potential since 1979 and look how I’ve turned out- laying awake at night regretting not making the 6th grader stack the table for picking Phil Simms in the lunch waiter game, then copping out a going with Doug Williams, and the 5th grader telling me that’s the only quarterback I knew, smugly picked Jack Trudeau (yeah, I had Tecmo Bowl too asshole), like I was just another ignoramus 4th grader. Yes, these are the things that torment me, but why not just keep Darko around? So what if he was a cry baby when he was 19 and not getting any run, he’s since become an effective defender and rebounder, is athletic, has size and might develop into a pretty solid all round player. No matter what happens, he’ll be better than Nazr Mohammed or Cheik Samb. Dumars must really hate pussies, even though he works in a league full of them.


So there you have it. If I knew anybody west of Michigan I’d write a Western Conference preview, though even if I did, they’re probably too busy not smoking, recycling, generally being fit and attractive and stamping their one way tickets to Hell.