TOP 10 EXAMPLES OF MEN BEING BROUGHT DOWN BY WOMEN IN HISTORY
Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen,
It has been a while since we last spoke, and a lot has happened since then. I have a job, have gained about 10 lbs of fat, lost a girlfriend, it's cold now (was warm then), got on happy pills, got off happy pills, got back on happy pills, drank a bunch, didn't clean my room for 2 months, cleaned my room, emptied 250 lbs of trash out of my car, got a treo that I've never used, been to 6 Wizards games, learned some things about the future, smoked about 500 cigarettes and got glasses.
Anyway, since breaking up I now realize how much being in a relationship brought me down. Now I can lay on the couch whenever I want, watch whatever I want on TV whenever I want, stay up past 10pm and pretty much never do anything I don't want to do. Given how wonderful my single life is, I thought it only appropriate to point out 10 men who have been brought down by women:
10) Adam
We all know that woman+food= bad. Unfortunately, Adam didn’t. Would you trade a rib for a woman? What if they were Chili’s babyback ribs? Paradise for an apple? Of course not! Well, Adam traded his rib in for Eve, who subsequently tempted him to eat the apple. Yes friends, a woman was the cause of all sin, and- just like when she complains about your drinking while she's drunk and bitches about how you don’t want to do anything she wants to do on the plane flight home from visiting her parents- women remind you of your sins everyday, all the while deviously plotting their next lie.
This article lends support.
9) Rae Carruth
Carruth was a 1997 1st round draft pick of the Carolina Panthers. He caught 44 passes for 545 yards and 4 TDs his rookie year, landing him a spot on the all-rookie 1st team. Rae, on the cusp of NFL stardom, was brought down in ’99 when Cherica Adams, his baby mama, was shot four times in a drive by. The baby was saved via C-section (surprise! it’s a retard!), but Cherica died a month later.
Cherica managed to spit out to authorities that Rae had stopped his car in front of hers while gunmen in another car shot her, then Rae simply drove away.
Rae was eventually found hiding in the trunk of a car outside a motel with $3,900, candy bars and bottles of urine. He is now serving at least 19 years in jail.
What a bummer for Rae, from NFL future star to living in a trunk thanks to a woman and her big mouth.
8) Mankind
I would do anything humanly possible to touch this Jessica Alba’s buns. Seriously. Just closing my eyes and thinking about them makes me want to go on an internet pornquest all night long- you know, where you keep opening each new box until you literally have 500 boxes minimized and you can’t get nubile nymphos off your screen. Single life is good.
7) Jason Street
Lyla Garrity is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Can we really blame her for cheating on her crippled boyfriend with his best friend, then going back to the cripple and incessantly teasing him with her perfect naked body even though he’s paralyzed and can’t get it up? Goddess. I love you Lyla.
6) Me
I would be President of the United States and not on Wellbutrin if it wasn’t for a myriad of women wanting a piece of me. Which reminds me of a thought I’d like to share: When I’m hanging out with a female dog, a “bitch,” does it want to hook up? Typically their pussy is sewn shut, but is it licking me in hopes of more intimate petting?
Speaking of stymied genitalia, my balls aren’t chopped off like my dog's, although I’m seriously thinking about a vasectomy. If I don’t get the vasectomy, I really want to have something like a dozen illegitimate children. Kids. What a nightmare.
5) Superman
If Superman wasn’t spending so much time running around saving Louis Lane’s not-so-attractive nude all over google images chain smoking ass (pre gay director) or Louis Lane’s poor acting, cheating with Scott Summers, terrible decision-making not nude all over good images but much hotter with blond hair below ass (post gay director), he’d probably be able to focus on the real issues like trouble in the Sudan, global warming, Iraq, health care and poor people.
4) Harry Potter
Man, Hermione really messed this kid up.
3) Hitler
This (mostly) googled story starts off promising: Eva Braun was condemned to a life of secrecy. At the age of 19, she became Hitler's mistress, received a house, expensive clothes, fast cars and French perfume - but no wedding ring (!). Officially, she went under the name of private secretary and drew a salary from party funds. He called her Tschapperl, she had to call him mein Fuhrer. When state visitors came to Hitler's chalet Berghof, she was banished to her room. Only the entourage on the estate near Berchtesgaden really knew what was going on.
Yes, Hitler kept a 19 year old locked in her room and only let her out for relations at his bidding. Sounds great right?
Well, he eventually decided to marry his Tschapperl in the face of total defeat, in the underground world of the Chancellery bunker when the Red Army took Berlin. They agreed on mutual suicide for their honeymoon. In other words, the woman wanted to marry him so bad she talked him into mutual suicide! At least Hitler had the good sense of killing himself when faced with a life of holy matrimony and nagging.
2) OJ Simpson
I’ve got nothing to say other than she probably had it coming. At least OJ’s making money off the whole thing, despite his public shame. These clips at least prove there is a God: Solid gold starting 45 seconds in and the remix!
1) Anakin Sywalker
Anakin Skywalker, at one point on the path to goodness, was turned to the dark side when Queen Padmé Amidala got into his head.
We all know once past the pinnacle years of 16-18, the only direction a woman has to go is down. First they get fat drinking beer in college, then they move to Washington DC and stay fat, then, as they approach 30 they freak out and start dieting and working out, only at that point they’re wrinkly and used. While many men get tricked during these 2-3 years a single woman is fit in their late 20’s/early 30’s- going so far as proposing marriage and giving the woman what’s left of his soul and half his money- a wiser man realizes he can keep his growing fortune to himself for the rest of his life and get blowjobs from money grubbing 20-somethings without worrying about losing half.
The point is, falling for a woman is gay, but falling for an older woman is downright foolish- and that is exactly what happened to young Anakin. You may recall Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Queen Padme was fully grown while Anakin wasn’t a day older than 8 and a horrendous actor. How people dismiss this alarming gap in age and the future fornicators’ flirtations is beyond me. Imagine the outrage had Anakin been the elder!? Regardless, we all should have known Anakin’s flirtations were his first step toward The Dark Side.
See, it would have been one thing if Anakin simply aspired to rule the Universe and turned to The Dark Side to accomplish this dream. Not only would that have been pretty cool, it would have been smart. But our dreams become clouded and ultimately crushed when women become involved. You may dream about sitting on the couch all day eating pizza and watching football, but come Sunday afternoon you find yourself on a bicycle 10 miles away from home- and you think you’re actually having fun! You may dream about going out with your friends and having a good time, but you know someone is going to be angry with you for a week and tell you and anyone who will listen all about your “drinking problem.” You may dream about sleeping with the 22 year old at the office, but when you’re drunk with her at the bar your girlfriend is there too. Crushed.
Nevertheless, poor Anakin never had a chance to discover any dream because Padme’s manipulative claws had scratched their way into his head by the time he was 8! Soon enough, the once promising young lad was nothing more than a lustful, confused, bad acting, prancing temper tantrum hacking up innocents with his light saber. Yes, the woman made him deranged Gentlemen.
Finally, in a last fit of hissy upon hearing Padme was dead, Anakin- despite having higher midi-chlorian levels in his blood than even Yoda- got his ass handed to him by Obi-Wan Kenobi. This never would have happened had he kept his dickings to hookers and bar skanks- such carefree coupling environs don’t open the woman’s gateway of sin to your brain. Just give them the dick Gentlemen, don’t give them your mind.
Left for dead as his limbs burned away, the young prancer was saved by the Emperor, who bestowed upon him a big black helmet and James Earl Jones’s voice. Keep in mind, there won’t always be a magical evil Emperor there to make us a man after some woman has turned us into a lovesick poltroon.
In conclusion, while millions of us were fooled for the first 20 or so years of our lives into thinking Darth Vader was the ultimate villain- an ultra-cool badass who you just didn’t want to meet in a dark ally- he was really just a polly prissy pants who’s mind was manipulated by a precocious JAP who won’t get naked in her movies. That’s why he sold out in the end, killed his master, didn’t conquer the galaxy, danced with midgets in bear suits (which is actually pretty cool), and George Lucas edited out the sweet Ewok victory song from the original and put in some new crap song with some more CG crap. What gives? Was the old Ewok song not festive enough?!!! God I’m angry.. and man Anakin got ugly.
All that is left to say is a shoutout to Papa Groosh and his people: “dos meshugas shandeh far di kinder schmucks matzo ball!”
Shalom.
posted by Sir Nasty Natroneus, Ph.D
Orator Excelsior
It has been a while since we last spoke, and a lot has happened since then. I have a job, have gained about 10 lbs of fat, lost a girlfriend, it's cold now (was warm then), got on happy pills, got off happy pills, got back on happy pills, drank a bunch, didn't clean my room for 2 months, cleaned my room, emptied 250 lbs of trash out of my car, got a treo that I've never used, been to 6 Wizards games, learned some things about the future, smoked about 500 cigarettes and got glasses.
Anyway, since breaking up I now realize how much being in a relationship brought me down. Now I can lay on the couch whenever I want, watch whatever I want on TV whenever I want, stay up past 10pm and pretty much never do anything I don't want to do. Given how wonderful my single life is, I thought it only appropriate to point out 10 men who have been brought down by women:
10) Adam
We all know that woman+food= bad. Unfortunately, Adam didn’t. Would you trade a rib for a woman? What if they were Chili’s babyback ribs? Paradise for an apple? Of course not! Well, Adam traded his rib in for Eve, who subsequently tempted him to eat the apple. Yes friends, a woman was the cause of all sin, and- just like when she complains about your drinking while she's drunk and bitches about how you don’t want to do anything she wants to do on the plane flight home from visiting her parents- women remind you of your sins everyday, all the while deviously plotting their next lie.
This article lends support.
9) Rae Carruth
Carruth was a 1997 1st round draft pick of the Carolina Panthers. He caught 44 passes for 545 yards and 4 TDs his rookie year, landing him a spot on the all-rookie 1st team. Rae, on the cusp of NFL stardom, was brought down in ’99 when Cherica Adams, his baby mama, was shot four times in a drive by. The baby was saved via C-section (surprise! it’s a retard!), but Cherica died a month later.
Cherica managed to spit out to authorities that Rae had stopped his car in front of hers while gunmen in another car shot her, then Rae simply drove away.
Rae was eventually found hiding in the trunk of a car outside a motel with $3,900, candy bars and bottles of urine. He is now serving at least 19 years in jail.
What a bummer for Rae, from NFL future star to living in a trunk thanks to a woman and her big mouth.
8) Mankind
I would do anything humanly possible to touch this Jessica Alba’s buns. Seriously. Just closing my eyes and thinking about them makes me want to go on an internet pornquest all night long- you know, where you keep opening each new box until you literally have 500 boxes minimized and you can’t get nubile nymphos off your screen. Single life is good.
7) Jason Street
Lyla Garrity is the most beautiful woman on Earth. Can we really blame her for cheating on her crippled boyfriend with his best friend, then going back to the cripple and incessantly teasing him with her perfect naked body even though he’s paralyzed and can’t get it up? Goddess. I love you Lyla.
6) Me
I would be President of the United States and not on Wellbutrin if it wasn’t for a myriad of women wanting a piece of me. Which reminds me of a thought I’d like to share: When I’m hanging out with a female dog, a “bitch,” does it want to hook up? Typically their pussy is sewn shut, but is it licking me in hopes of more intimate petting?
Speaking of stymied genitalia, my balls aren’t chopped off like my dog's, although I’m seriously thinking about a vasectomy. If I don’t get the vasectomy, I really want to have something like a dozen illegitimate children. Kids. What a nightmare.
5) Superman
If Superman wasn’t spending so much time running around saving Louis Lane’s not-so-attractive nude all over google images chain smoking ass (pre gay director) or Louis Lane’s poor acting, cheating with Scott Summers, terrible decision-making not nude all over good images but much hotter with blond hair below ass (post gay director), he’d probably be able to focus on the real issues like trouble in the Sudan, global warming, Iraq, health care and poor people.
4) Harry Potter
Man, Hermione really messed this kid up.
3) Hitler
This (mostly) googled story starts off promising: Eva Braun was condemned to a life of secrecy. At the age of 19, she became Hitler's mistress, received a house, expensive clothes, fast cars and French perfume - but no wedding ring (!). Officially, she went under the name of private secretary and drew a salary from party funds. He called her Tschapperl, she had to call him mein Fuhrer. When state visitors came to Hitler's chalet Berghof, she was banished to her room. Only the entourage on the estate near Berchtesgaden really knew what was going on.
Yes, Hitler kept a 19 year old locked in her room and only let her out for relations at his bidding. Sounds great right?
Well, he eventually decided to marry his Tschapperl in the face of total defeat, in the underground world of the Chancellery bunker when the Red Army took Berlin. They agreed on mutual suicide for their honeymoon. In other words, the woman wanted to marry him so bad she talked him into mutual suicide! At least Hitler had the good sense of killing himself when faced with a life of holy matrimony and nagging.
2) OJ Simpson
I’ve got nothing to say other than she probably had it coming. At least OJ’s making money off the whole thing, despite his public shame. These clips at least prove there is a God: Solid gold starting 45 seconds in and the remix!
1) Anakin Sywalker
Anakin Skywalker, at one point on the path to goodness, was turned to the dark side when Queen Padmé Amidala got into his head.
We all know once past the pinnacle years of 16-18, the only direction a woman has to go is down. First they get fat drinking beer in college, then they move to Washington DC and stay fat, then, as they approach 30 they freak out and start dieting and working out, only at that point they’re wrinkly and used. While many men get tricked during these 2-3 years a single woman is fit in their late 20’s/early 30’s- going so far as proposing marriage and giving the woman what’s left of his soul and half his money- a wiser man realizes he can keep his growing fortune to himself for the rest of his life and get blowjobs from money grubbing 20-somethings without worrying about losing half.
The point is, falling for a woman is gay, but falling for an older woman is downright foolish- and that is exactly what happened to young Anakin. You may recall Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Queen Padme was fully grown while Anakin wasn’t a day older than 8 and a horrendous actor. How people dismiss this alarming gap in age and the future fornicators’ flirtations is beyond me. Imagine the outrage had Anakin been the elder!? Regardless, we all should have known Anakin’s flirtations were his first step toward The Dark Side.
See, it would have been one thing if Anakin simply aspired to rule the Universe and turned to The Dark Side to accomplish this dream. Not only would that have been pretty cool, it would have been smart. But our dreams become clouded and ultimately crushed when women become involved. You may dream about sitting on the couch all day eating pizza and watching football, but come Sunday afternoon you find yourself on a bicycle 10 miles away from home- and you think you’re actually having fun! You may dream about going out with your friends and having a good time, but you know someone is going to be angry with you for a week and tell you and anyone who will listen all about your “drinking problem.” You may dream about sleeping with the 22 year old at the office, but when you’re drunk with her at the bar your girlfriend is there too. Crushed.
Nevertheless, poor Anakin never had a chance to discover any dream because Padme’s manipulative claws had scratched their way into his head by the time he was 8! Soon enough, the once promising young lad was nothing more than a lustful, confused, bad acting, prancing temper tantrum hacking up innocents with his light saber. Yes, the woman made him deranged Gentlemen.
Finally, in a last fit of hissy upon hearing Padme was dead, Anakin- despite having higher midi-chlorian levels in his blood than even Yoda- got his ass handed to him by Obi-Wan Kenobi. This never would have happened had he kept his dickings to hookers and bar skanks- such carefree coupling environs don’t open the woman’s gateway of sin to your brain. Just give them the dick Gentlemen, don’t give them your mind.
Left for dead as his limbs burned away, the young prancer was saved by the Emperor, who bestowed upon him a big black helmet and James Earl Jones’s voice. Keep in mind, there won’t always be a magical evil Emperor there to make us a man after some woman has turned us into a lovesick poltroon.
In conclusion, while millions of us were fooled for the first 20 or so years of our lives into thinking Darth Vader was the ultimate villain- an ultra-cool badass who you just didn’t want to meet in a dark ally- he was really just a polly prissy pants who’s mind was manipulated by a precocious JAP who won’t get naked in her movies. That’s why he sold out in the end, killed his master, didn’t conquer the galaxy, danced with midgets in bear suits (which is actually pretty cool), and George Lucas edited out the sweet Ewok victory song from the original and put in some new crap song with some more CG crap. What gives? Was the old Ewok song not festive enough?!!! God I’m angry.. and man Anakin got ugly.
All that is left to say is a shoutout to Papa Groosh and his people: “dos meshugas shandeh far di kinder schmucks matzo ball!”
Shalom.
posted by Sir Nasty Natroneus, Ph.D
Orator Excelsior
posted by The Virginia Gentleman at 12:22 AM
1 comments
